"It"

I want to say it. I want to understand it. I want to write about it.

I guess discussing it won't change anything, yet understanding it will help either . I always thought I understood it very well. Until I don't know myself anymore. It is invisible inside of me. I can not see it, but I can feel its presence. I can feel the pain caused by it. I'm tired of it. I just want to understand it so bad.

What if I fully understand my feelings? What good will that do for me?... Oh wait, I wont be confused and sad right? If that is true then I will never understand it.

Maybe I am just afraid.